Bestselling author and phony hillbilly J.D. Vance is officially Donald Trump’s pick for vice president, God help us all. And even though it’s only been a few days, the nation has collectively forgotten all the fawning vice presidential candidates who were left behind.

But I didn’t do that.

All the potential vice presidents were embarrassing in their own way. Marco Rubio: always a twerp, somehow became even more twerp when he sucked up to the former president. Tim Scott will always be remembered for total chance engaged the day after he endorsed Trump.

And Doug Burgam from North Dakota? I’m so sorry, but I’ve already forgotten who he is. City auditor? Disgraced powerhouse chicken farmer? Either way, the man needs to go back to North Dakota and be called Doug Burgam and I think that’s punishment enough.

All the candidates bowed and humbled themselves on the altar of ego and ear-gauze that is Donald Trump, hoping to become his number two. But one of them did it best. And by best, I mean worst.

I’m talking to you, Elise Stefanik.

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It must hurt to be Congresswoman Elise Stefanik right now. Many women have been there on some level: proving their loyalty to the company time and time again, only to be passed over for the promotion by a less qualified man. And boy, is J.D. Vance even less qualified. Just for fun (and as Rep. Stefanik probably does every night before she goes to sleep) let’s compare resumes.

Elise Stefanik was first elected to the House of Representatives in 2014. At the time, she was the youngest woman ever elected to Congress. She is now in her fifth term and was elected chair of the House Republican Conference in 2021. J.D. Vance, on the other hand, was elected to Congress in 2023. Do you know how recently that is? I still think it’s at least twice a week, that’s the current year! But let’s move on.

Before Congress, Stefanik held various positions in the Bush administration and served as an advisor to Paul Ryan. J.D. Vance wrote a book that was made into a film and has a 25 percent score on Rotten Tomatoes.

You get the point. Elise Stefanik has a lot more experience in politics than Vance. But hey, we all know that the vice presidency isn’t just about the resume. It’s about loyalty. In other words, “How much of your soul are you willing to sacrifice for Donald Trump?”

The answer for Elise Stefanik was: “everything and more.” Some examples:

Before Trump, Stefanik co-sponsored legislation to give Dreamers a path to legal status. After Trump, Stefanik claims that Joe Biden will “give amnesty to 11 MILLION illegal immigrants” to “overthrow our current electorate and create a permanent liberal majority in Washington.” (No, non-citizens can’t vote. You and they know that.)

Before Trump, Stefanik was a moderate who believed in climate change and spent her victory speech to Congress praising her opponents as “very good people.” After Trump? Stefanik voted to reject the 2020 Electoral College results and blithely calls liberals “pedo scammers.”

Stefanik, like Trump, now types in all caps. She called the Jan. 6 suspects “hostages.” She endorsed a congressional candidate who said Adolf Hitler was “the kind of leader we need today.” (To be fair, Stefanik condemned it, but also insisted it was taken out of context, and it was! The part where the candidate also called Hitler “inspirational” was edited out.)

In essence, Elise Stefanik sold her soul to an audience of one: Donald Trump. And in doing so, she disappointed many people. Her previous mentor, Paul Ryan, called her “the biggest disappointment of his political career.” She even lost her former high school principal, Caroline Mason, the woman who helped officiate her marriage. As Mason recounted Time: “She essentially gave up her own core values ​​for a man who had no core values.”

Stefanik humiliated herself, disappointed mentors, and STILL didn’t get the job. She did everything right. And by right, I mean still wrong.

But honestly, how could she have known? Could anyone have guessed that a man who has been convicted of sexual abuse and found guilty of 34 felonies related to a hush-money payment to a porn star would not be willing to choose a woman as vice president?

Who would have thought that instead he would choose a man who wants to ban abortion and believes it is better for the children to stay in an abusive marriage?

Oh yeah, everyone. Everyone, that is, except Elise Stefanik.

You see, Donald Trump has a gift. And it’s not governing or speaking or even squirming his way out of crimes by making a joke of the entire American justice system. It’s his unique ability to make people think, “Sure, Trump has never been loyal to anyone in his entire life, BUT I WILL BE DIFFERENT!”

So to Congresswoman Stefanik I have this to say: Hey girl! The most important thing is that you stepped up. You gave it your all. And I mean you all. Congratulations! You could not have lowered yourself any further to the former president. You were humiliated in every way possible and in ways that I would have said were impossible. And yet you lost.

You’ll get through this. Tell yourself it’s all for the best. You like being in Congress, right? And this way you can spend more time with your family. You know, take the time to figure out who you Real Are…

…Until the next morally bankrupt boss comes along. Then watch out, baby! It’s time to become a whole new person.

Jill Twiss has won multiple Emmys and Peabody Awards for her work as a Senior Writer on Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. She is also a New York Times bestselling author of children’s books, for A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo.